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Monkey, or If It Doesn't Have a Tail, It's Not a Monkey, is a Silly Song from The Wonderful Wizard of Ha's.

Song

Narrator: And now it's time for Silly Songs with Larry, the part of the show when Larry comes out & sings a Silly Song. Today Larry & Bob are on a photo safari, tracking the trail of a monkey. Or an ape. We don't know which. Hence the song. (music begins)

Larry: (singing) If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey.

Even if it has a monkey-kind-of shape.

If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey.

If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!


If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey...

Bob: Let's see if we can catch it on the tape.

Larry: You can very plainly see if it's a monkey.

If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!


(Pa Grape dressed up as the Cowardly Lion swings in)

Bob: Look, there it goes! There it goes! I don't know! I can't tell if it's a monkey or an ape!

Larry: It's very simple, Bob.

(singing) If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey.

If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!

Bob: Uh Larry, I'm not so sure...


Larry: Ooga booga, isn't that a monkey? (monkey chant)

Bob: Booga looga, maybe it's an ape. (monkey chant)

Larry: If it's a nickel, or a salad, or a pillow.

If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!


(Pa Grape swings in again)

Bob: If it doesn't have a tail...?

Larry: Not a monkey!

Bob: Are you sure that's what you really mean to say?

A camera has no tail...

Larry: It's not a monkey!

If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!


Bob: Uh, I think there's something wrong with your logic, Larry.

Larry: Well, Bob. The lady at the zoo said it, & who am I to tell her that's she's wrong? "If there's a tail, it's a monkey. No tail, ape." It's easy! (Bob is confused)

Bob: But, Larry! A kite has a tail--

Larry: Then it's a monkey!

Bob: A comet has a tail--

Larry: It's a monkey!

Bob: A bubble doesn't--

Larry: Then it's not a monkey! If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey...

Bob: It's an ape?

Larry: Exactly! I knew you'd catch on!

Bob: Larry, we may need to talk about this! I don't think the lady at the zoo meant--


Larry: Shh! (Larry & Bob both duck while Pa Grape swings in again)

Look, there it goes! In the trees!

Follow me! It's gotta be a monkey or an ape!

(Larry finds monkey)

I can't believe it's true!

All this time, I've searched for you!

(to Bob) Snap the picture! Take the shot!

We're among the lucky few!

We finally did it, photographer.

We discovered what we're after!

Let me look! (looks through binoculars) Is it an ape?!

Bob: Larry, this is a disaster (monkey turns out to be cow)

Larry: It's a monkey! (subtitles NOT A MONKEY appears on screen)

Bob: (clears throat) Larry, that's a cow. Not a--

Larry: That was exhillerating. Let's find more! (music turns back on)


(singing) If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey.

Even if it has a monkey-kind-of shape.

If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey.

If it doesn't have a tail, it's not a monkey. It's an ape!


Narrator: This has been Silly Songs with Larry. Tune in next time to hear Bob say...

Bob: But Larry, you don't have a tail.

Larry: I don't?

Bob: Nope, neither do I!

Larry: I wouldn't be so sure about that, Bob.

Bob: What do you mean?

Larry: Oh, nothing! (Larry leaves) (tail appears on Bob) (jungle animals roar) (Bob confusingly looks around & leaves)

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